A Study in Poetics
I decided to try something different here. This is mostly a stream of consciousness about my reasons for writing and what kind of process I have.
I’m not sure I ever go into something knowing exactly why I’m doing it, that usually comes later. Especially with writing. I’ve come to realise that most of what I write comes from a place of need(?) no, want. I write what I want to see in the world. Sort of. I don’t really know how to put it into words. It’s sort of like that CS Lewis quote ‘you can make anything by writing[C1] ’. And he’s right, you can. I can create whatever I want, but I don’t want to write the sort of thing I see on tv or in films; it doesn’t fill me with the sense of calm(?), peace, that my own writing does. Perhaps that’s a little self-absorbed but maybe Narcissus had a point. Perhaps I’m simply watching or reading the wrong things, but I’m tired of seeing people like me[C2] being robbed of a happy ending, or not seeing people like me at all. I’m tired of being queerbaited[C3] [C4] , and seeing bisexual people being portrayed as cheaters or homewreckers[C5] or having their sexuality be the entire focus of their character, some of them even die. But I’ll talk more about that later, probably. I don’t know yet, I haven’t planned this essay so we’ll see how it goes. Point is, I write happy things, stories about people who just happen to be bisexual or gay but it doesn’t require a detailed backstory or some kind of obvious reference when the character is introduced because there shouldn’t need to be one. I shouldn’t HAVE to write a half page backstory on a character’s ex-girlfriend because its not immediately obvious to the reader that the character isn’t straight. I don’t owe you an explanation, and neither does my character, just let us be. Sometimes I include coming out or self-realisation scenes in my work because that’s just a part of life; I included one in my undergraduate dissertation. The main character comes to the realisation halfway through the story that she might just be attracted to girls as well. And maybe that was probably a little bit too close to being a self-insert and maybe I didn’t really need to include it and maybe I included it because I wrote the whole thing hopped up on coffee in the library one night[C6] and wasn’t thinking but I wanted to, so I did it anyway. I think it was a little bit of a catharsis moment too. Having denied my sexuality for years it was something of a release to write a character who just accepted it.
(I’ve gone off track and now I don’t remember where I was going with this, I’m like 80% sure I had a point)
But it’s not enough to write things just for me. Other people have to want it and enjoy it too, right? At least, that’s the societal definition of being a ‘good writer’. But equally, there’s no point writing just for other people because then you aren’t fulfilled. There’s very slim section of a venn diagram there where I can do both. But, to be honest, I never made the concious, conscience, no, conscious decision to take other people’s opinions into account. I also never set out to become a ‘writer’, not in the sense of being published and successful or whatever but as I got older, I realised that it is what I want to do with my life. I want to publish the stories that I didn’t have growing up[C7] [C8] [C9] , to show me that it wasn’t weird to like boys and girls, to show kids that it’s okay to not be ‘normal’. Did you know the first bisexual character I remember coming across was Dr Remy Hadley in House M.D[C10] . I think I was maybe 14 ish when I first saw her on telly, already three or four years deep into realising that something about me was different with no evidence that anyone else felt the same. And maybe she wasn’t the most fantastic representation of bisexuality but it was like a lifeline at the time[C11] . I don’t want that for future generations. I don’t want children to think that something is wrong with them because society is so heteronormative. So yeah, I write for me, I write the things that I didn’t have growing up that I desperately wish I did, but I also write for all the kids[C12] who deserve better than what I had. I’m 22 now so I don’t make a habit of reading children’s books so I’m not well-versed in how many LGBT+ kids books there are, but I’ve heard about a couple that seem really good, and tv representation is getting better too. I even heard there was a coming out arc on a Disney Channel show, imagine that[C13] .
(I really am trying to stay on track here but I don’t make a habit of planning essays because I am apparently chronically incapable of following any kind of plan, it ruins the vibe)
What was I talking about? Oh right, writing for other people. Which is sort of the whole point, really. A good story is one that captures other people in the same way the original idea captures you. Any good story is sort of an extension of the writer, I think. Even if you don’t mean to, you leave bits of yourself behind in the characters, like they’re an extension of yourself[C14] . Which they are, in a way. They can do the things you can’t; they can traverse galaxies and fall in love and do magic and fight the monsters you struggle with. I could never walk up to a cute stranger and strike up a conversation, but the character I write can. It’s not wishful thinking, it’s more like a goal to achieve like ‘one day I might be able to do that, but for now it’s okay to live vicariously through someone I’ve created’. I live for the sense of escapism that reading and writing provides me with. There’s nothing better than losing yourself in someone else’s world, quite literally if you enjoy fantasy fiction the way I do[C15] . Even though I’ve only recently tried out fantasy writing, I can still escape into my regular world writing. Stories that revolve around people rather than the setting, imagining myself as them, slotting myself neatly into the patchwork of the story as if I was meant to be there. I think it was Steinbeck who has that quote about having to read dialogue out loud to make sure it sounds realistic. I’ll do you one better and say that you have to imagine yourself within the story in order for it to be any good at all. How can you expect other people to do it if you can’t? I try to include as much detail as I can in my stories; it helps me and whoever decides it’s good enough to read to really get into the story. I don’t want to be a passive observer in my own story, I want to feel like I’m actively participating, and I want other people to feel like that too, feel like they’re not even reading anymore, that it’s so vivid its like they’ve imagined it themselves[C16] [C17] .
(Does that even make sense? I feel like I’m getting off track again but that’s how I write stories as well so I guess it’s fine?)
I think I’m gonna come back round to the queerbaitng[C18] thing now because, as much as I hate it, it’s a huge influence on why I write so many LGBT+ stories. Whilst Supergirl, the CW[C19] show, is probably the biggest example of queerbaiting I’ve ever seen in my life[C20] , my first experience with it was with the ABC show Once Upon a Time[C21] . For maybe six of the seven years the show ran for, the creators of the show continuously hinted at a relationship between two female main characters[C22] . Fans of the ship were constantly ridiculed online for wanting the two to be in a relationship, both by other fans and actual cast members, sometimes even other celebrities[C23] . Anyway, the point is, is that being ridiculed online made me, and countless other people, turn to fanfiction[C24] . To be honest, fanfiction is probably the epitome of writing both for yourself and for others in equal measure. The centre of the venn diagram, if you will. We all write stories about the two characters; what would’ve happened if they got together after a certain event, would they have gotten together if something had/hadn’t happened. It’s cathartic, almost, to explore something that we were denied so vehemently. It’s a safe space that is so often absent in the ‘real world’ of writing[C25] [C26] . The result of all that queerbaiting was me writing stories about two characters that were already established allowing me to focus on the plot side of writing. Any good story has an excellent plot and writing fanfiction really allowed me to explore how I construct plot points and events in a story. Eventually, I grew tired of writing about established characters, I wanted to create my own stories, with their own characters, free from the constrictions that are imposed when you write about established characters; there’s only so much leeway you can have with characterisation there. Unfortunately, part of writing fanfiction is limiting characterisation to keep it in line with the canon of wherever the characters are from. When writing my own stories, I am free to pour more of myself into the characters, make them my own in a way that you cannot do when writing fanfiction[C27] .
(I know I probably didn’t explain this point in as much detail as I should’ve but writing about this is hard and there’s only so far I can push the boundaries.)
I used to be pretty good at oral storytelling. My brother[C28] [C29] and I would play pretend for hours when we were little; I could create entire worlds and settings and storylines like it was nothing and he was my willing accomplice[C30] [C31] , running around the house fighting dragons and pretending we were Jedis and going on grand adventures, sometimes simultaneously. As I got older, I lost that a little bit; I trip over my words a lot now[C32] which makes telling stories out loud hard and I go off on tangents a lot. So, I turned to writing stories; I could still create entire worlds but writing provides the extra step I need to process the words before writing them so they all come out in the right order and make sense. It also means I can go back and change things if I don’t like them. I don’t really do that all that often, I tend to just make changes as I go forward rather than going back. But it is sort of useful, I guess, if I accidentally create a plot hole, or decide I don’t like a certain character. There’s something freeing about not being able to go back and change things though[C33] , I miss that a lot about telling stories out loud. It allows me to adapt the story going forward instead of trying to fix what I’ve already written[C34] [C35] . I tend to thrive in chaos and honestly can’t stand the thought of having to go back through what I’ve already written to change something when I can just change whatever it is that I haven’t written yet[C36] ; editing is tedious, especially when I could be doing something better like writing the rest of the story.
(Perhaps this is a rather blasé attitude to have to writing, but it works for me and the only thing I ever really edit is spelling and grammatical errors.)
To conclude[C37] [C38] [C39] , I guess the fundamental reason of why I write is still want. Grateful to myself for not changing that halfway through this like I do other things. I write stories that I want to see, but no one is writing them so I have to do it myself. I want other people to have access to information and representation that I didn’t, so I write for them too. I want to explore aspects of myself through the safety and escapism of fiction so I write characters that are a little bit like me at their core but everything else is completely different. I want a lot of things but I think I mostly just want to be happy, and writing lets me have that[C40] .
[C1]I actually have this as a tattoo with a little stack of books
[C2]It me, your favourite bisexual
[C3]Pls see Once Upon a Time, Supergirl and Pitch Perfect for examples on queerbaiting
[C4]Also The 100 but that’s a different issue tbh
[C5]Please hold while I climb onto my soapbox
[C6]Honestly kudos to sarah for putting up with my chaos because one day I had about 1.5k and then I had finished the first draft the next day
[C7]Fuck section 28. and the effect it still has today. Fuck thatcher in particular.
[C8]It had been repealed by the time I started school but clearly that doesn’t change opinions
[C9]There’s still arguments today about teaching LGBT+ issues in schools, it’s ridiculous
[C10]Its such a good show tbh, Hugh Laurie is amazing
[C11]Her character has a life limiting disease bringing her under the category of ‘bisexuals who die on tv’
[C12]And other people obviously but for the sake of the point I’m just gonna say kids
[C13]I’m starting to realise that most of my examples for anything tend to be film and tv, maybe I should be a screenwriter instead lol
[C14]It makes the characters seem more real in my opinion, more relatable
[C15]Please see my recent essay on reading as a writer for more detail
[C16]Not like a choose your own adventure. I want my stories to be so good that the events that happen are so natural that the reader almost agrees
[C17]I know what I mean but I don’t know how to say it
[C18]Queerbaiting: where creators hint at, but never actually follow through with, LGBT+ romance plotlines in order to ‘bait’ LGBT+ viewers into consuming their media whilst avoiding alienating other viewers
[C19]Don’t even get me started on the CW omg
[C20]I may or might not come back around to the supergirl thing depending on how many words I have left
[C21]If you don’t know, it’s a very convoluted show about fairytale characters and it would literally take me 2k to actually explain it properly.
[C22]The Evil Queen, Regina Mills and Emma Swan, the daughter of Snow White and Prince Charming. Emma is also the birth mother of Regina’s adoptive son, Henry. See, convoluted.
[C23]I don’t know if you’ve ever gotten into a twitter fight with William Shatner (yes, actual William Shatner who has no connection to the show at all but decided to get involved anyway) but being told you’re delusional by an actual famous actor for shipping two female characters is not exactly a nice feeling
[C24]I know I’m not supposed to talk about fanfiction because I’m a ‘proper writer’ now and I do English lit or whatever but it’s a big part of my history as a writer so
[C25]I took a quick smoke break here because I didn’t realise that writing about this would be lowkey distressing
[C26]Its such a close guarded part of my life that talking about it makes me a little uncomfortable but sometimes you gotta push the boundaries to make yourself a better writer.
[C27]Of course, some fanfiction writers make the characters completely different but I feel that detracts from the point of writing about them in the first place, but that’s just me
[C28]He’s just over a year younger than me
[C29]We didn’t know it at the time, but he’s autistic and imagining new worlds and pretending to be something else didn’t come easily to him, so I did it for the both of us and he would eventually get sucked in
[C30]Not so much anymore, he’s very science minded (he does physics and astrophysics at uni, which is a massive help when I write space stories) but sometimes he’ll still read the things I write
[C31]He’s nice like that, even if he’s not a big reader
[C32]A by-product of anxiety, probably or the fact that my brain moves at a quicker pace than my mouth does and I cant get the words out fast enough
[C33]I could probably liken this to metaphor about real life but its not that deep
[C34]Fuck it; the metaphor is that quote from the lion king where Rafiki belts Simba with his stick and says ‘the past is in the past, you can either run from it, or learn from it’ and then tries to hit him again
[C35]I guess in my writing I do a bit of both
[C36]Spoiler alert: I proofread nothing, not even my essays
[C37]Perhaps conclude is the wrong word because this is less of an essay and more a stream of consciousness but I don’t know what else I would say
[C38]Besides, how can I conclude something that doesn’t yet have a conclusion
[C39]Ngl I don’t even know what I’m concluding because I lost my train of thought several times over the course of writing this
[C40]14:51 25/02/21
